For the past few months, I have been consumed with something. It's not a drug or some random awesome food ingredient or makeup product even. I've been consumed with PREGNANCY and starting a family. Damn, I really just typed that and actually meant it. Well here it goes.
I want a baby, I want to be a mother, I want to be pregnant. I don't know when why or how this consumption started but it's here and it a mother(bleep).
For 6 months straight I have read FB posts, InstaGram pics, and tweets of so many friends and associates I know who are with child and have proudly and happily announced it to the world. I'm the type of person that I get overwhelmingly excited for people who have awesomeness happening to them. Like just genuine smiles and joyful thoughts for them. It kept happening one after the other. Those smiles and genuine feelings started to turn into jealousy and envy; two characteristics that as my husband says "Babe that's not cute". But I felt it.
It's like i'm obsessed, and no thanks to my Pinterest board it's even worse. I think I have 4 boards on pregnancy, children, baby showers, and gender reveals. I'm crazed. And I feel even crazier for being this way. Some people would say "just let it happen" "it will happen when God is ready" "In God's time" which are all complete TRUE statements but when this is something you want, and something your OB is telling you "has to happen soon" because you're 31 and your eggs are maturing and something about PCOS and then the words "methods" "infertility" "stress" and a whole bunch of other brouhaha comes out of her mouth then you're stuck, not pregnant, congratulating all these other women in your life on this blessing they are enduring, having dreams about the moment you see your child for the first time. Yeah it SUCKS! And did I mention, joining boards on BabyCenter and then feeling some sense of peace because you realize you aren't the only woman going through this.
I don't know why I'm even writing about this here. I guess because I can just blurt it out and be done with it. I've "confessed" my feelings and really don't give a rat's @$$ what anyone thinks of it. The wishy washy "yes i want a baby" and "i think waiting is fine too" is driving me INSANE!!!!!!
Oh and let's not forget that because i've been married going on 2 years (b/c it's such a long time) everyone and their mother is asking me "so when are you going to give us a new member in the family" or "sooooooo do you have a bun in the oven?" nope no baby bun maybe a Cinnabun because you people just keep talking about me getting pregnant that all i wanna do i eat like i am a preggo!!!!
I don't even talk to my husband about my TRUE feelings b/c let me tell you something about him. He's a dealer and I am a planner. I plan things down to the "T" and he deals with things as they come along. So his brain doesn't work like mine, and my brain doesn't work like his. I guess this is the perfect example of "opposites attract". I consistently think about things in regards to us finally getting a BFP (for all of you who are not infertile that means BIG FAT POSITIVE as in the pregnancy test) and how life will alter once that happens. I think about if it's a boy or girl and who to invite to a gender reveal, or what photographer friend of mine is going to do our maternity shoot, and if my husband would be ok with someone being there in the delivery room getting all the moments captured in photography, or how amazing is this little one's nursery going to be or how beautiful awesome God sent and delicious it's going to be hold our baby in our arms, see his/her face and try to make out if he/she looks like me or my husband. On the flip side, he doesn't think about this the way I do because it's not him with the issue it's me!!!! When I do get pregnant (because I believe in speaking it into existence) he will be thrilled, and most likely it won't hit him until the 1st ultrasound and he hears the heartbeat, or the baby kicks and he feels it. And that is ok with me. Men are not as sensitive as women and are completely visual creatures. I just want to be able to give him a child, whether a son or a daughter I don't want him to go through life never having a child flesh and blood of his own. Someone to bear his last name, someone to be an amazing father to. Ugh....the strife i tell you.
I'm actually catching a case of the teary eyes typing this. Motherhood, pregnancy, child birth and parenting is not something for everyone. I don't even know if I want more than 1 because I haven't experienced it yet. I think some people take their fertility for granted, they mistreat their bodies during pregnancy, and come out with healthy babies. If you have babies, kids, teenagers or you're with child and reading this be blessed, love them and nurture them because "for every woman unhappy with her postpartum marks, is another woman who wishes she had them".